Reflection: So why have the past 18-months been so difficult? I got through everything else up to this point. But lately I have just felt tired and hopeless.
Apparently, I am a complex case, which is a particular type of special that no one wants to become, especially when it takes a team of five people to work out the problem.
For the first time in my life nothing I did was working. I just knew my health was getting worse. The specialists kept increasing my pain medication. This made me depressed, and I could not think straight. I did all the exercises the physiotherapist gave me and joined his weights class, but my condition still deteriorated. I ended up unable to work. I was desperate. I didn’t understand why God would let it get this bad and not step in with a solution.
I lost hope.
Eventually the problem was solved. My back problem caused all my joints to deteriorate and need to be replaced. Two weeks later I had a new metal hip. Twelve months after that I had a new metal knee. I am just waiting for the other hip to say it’s time. You would think I would be thankful and pleased.
I still had no hope. I felt abandoned and suffocated by darkness. I had neither the courage nor strength to get better. I cried day after day. I was angry and tired of being brave. I wanted out.
But God does not leave us or forsake us. We are still in his hand.
Prayer: God even when everything feels dark round me and I want to hide, you still see me. I cannot flee your presence. You find me no matter where I go. Thank you for guiding me and holding me fast during difficult times. Amen.